I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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