Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
