So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
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