I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
