I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
