when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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