My liver just broke up with me...
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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