Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
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