apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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