I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
