He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
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