she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
