I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
