I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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