I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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