mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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