i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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