was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
