I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
So much rum. So many feels.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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