In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
