i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
