i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
