do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
There's a naked man in my car right now.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
