a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I intend to get homeless drunk
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
