"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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