first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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