I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
