my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
