She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Your cock deserves a montage
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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