my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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