Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
