Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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