Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
