he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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