Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
