weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize
