My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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