I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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