If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
