Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
