the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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