You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.
You're ridiculous
Your hot
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
