Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
