Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Randomize
