im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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