I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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