I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
