How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
