Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Randomize
