the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Randomize
