I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Dick very happy bro
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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