So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Randomize
