He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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