that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
