Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
