i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Lo siento on account of my penis...
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
