I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
