well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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