party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
