omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
