worst night to have a conscience
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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