If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
