this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
